PGAL Brain

PGAL or Pregnancy After A Loss Brain is a common occurrence among women who have experienced a loss and are again pregnant. Basically it means that you question everything you do, think, and feel as to whether or not it is a sign or a symptom that you need to be concerned about as related to the pregnancy. For example, during early pregnancy fatigue and nausea are common. When you are PGAL and you have normally thrown up by 9am and today it is 9:05am and you haven't thrown up you wonder if you are still pregnant or if you're going to lose this pregnancy as well.  These mindfucks can take a toll and affect how you experience your pregnancy.

This pregnancy started out on a very positive note for me. It felt different than the previous pregnancy and I was much more positive and confident about its success.  And I truly felt that way. I wasn't just trying to convince myself that things were ok. They truly did feel ok. They felt slightly different than the previous pregnancies, less nausea and less heartburn, but I told myself that symptoms can vary from pregnancy to pregnancy.

As we get closer to our loss milestone (21 weeks) and based upon all that has happened the past few weeks I am feeling much less confident and much more anxious. I realize it is understandable and am trying to take comfort in the fact that I have an excellent doctor who is being very cautious and I am following his instructions carefully.

T. and I have been reluctant to plan too far into the future because of our losses. Previously our thoughts were, if we can make it to 21w then we can relax a tiny bit. Neither of us will completely relax until we are holding in our arms our alive, healthy, full-term daughter. See what I did there, that's another thing that PGAL brain does to you. I can't just say baby because I'm worried that the Universe will find a way to twist what I've said, so everything needs to be qualified. It makes for some thrilling conversations with T.

Now we find ourselves with different goals: tomorrow we hope to see that my cervical length has increased or remained the same. If we make it through tomorrow then our next big goal is 24 weeks, which is considered viability. At 24 weeks babies have a 50-50 chance of surviving.

And all of the above is basically needed to say, "I want to start working on my registry and list of baby shower attendees but I'm afraid of jinxing this pregnancy."

And since I know you only read all this so you could see the kitties here goes:
Bed Rest Day 4, (5/3/13):



Bed Rest Day 5, (5/4/13):



Bed Rest Day 6, (5/5/13):
Happy Cinco de Mayo!



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