Adventure Girls and Ferd

Today I am 21 weeks and 1 day pregnant. This is the most pregnant I have ever been. I am nervously happy about it. When this pregnancy first started and was going well T. and I said that we should be able to relax and enjoy it once we reached the 21 week mark.  Now the 24 week mark is our goal. I think I will be able to relax a tiny bit when we reach that point. T. feels he won't be able to relax until the 28 week mark. My current situation is certainly not how I expected my pregnancy to be.  I participate in a pregnancy message board and when I read some of the posts from women who are experiencing normal pregnancies who are also due in September I am amazed at how much they are enjoying their pregnancies. Many have completed their registries, are talking about baby showers, and sharing photos of their completed nurseries. I feel that they are so naive. I'm not jealous of their naivety but I am some what amazed and in awe of it. Today al...

I guess I can start with where I am - in the hospital! Say what?? Yes, it is true. On Tuesday we had our regularly scheduled ultrasound and appointment. At the ultrasound I kept a close eye on the screen when the tech was measuring my cervix. Sadly the number I saw were the ones I wanted to see. I was hoping that I was looking at the wrong numbers but I was pretty sure I knew what I was looking at. We asked the tech what my cervix was measuring and she said she couldn't tell us. Grr. When T. and I were making our way up to my appointment I told him what I thought I saw: .6 cm. Not good. Last Tuesday the cervix was measuring at 1.3cm and that was low and resulted in my bed rest at home. We got upstairs and as the nurse was walking us back to the exam room she asked how I was and I told her, "Worried. The numbers we saw didn't look good." When Dr. K. walked in the room the first thing he said was, "So you're cervix is shorter. We need to admit you to the ho...

PGAL or Pregnancy After A Loss Brain is a common occurrence among women who have experienced a loss and are again pregnant. Basically it means that you question everything you do, think, and feel as to whether or not it is a sign or a symptom that you need to be concerned about as related to the pregnancy. For example, during early pregnancy fatigue and nausea are common. When you are PGAL and you have normally thrown up by 9am and today it is 9:05am and you haven't thrown up you wonder if you are still pregnant or if you're going to lose this pregnancy as well.  These mindfucks can take a toll and affect how you experience your pregnancy. This pregnancy started out on a very positive note for me. It felt different than the previous pregnancy and I was much more positive and confident about its success.  And I truly felt that way. I wasn't just trying to convince myself that things were ok. They truly did feel ok. They felt slightly different than the previous pregnanci...

As luxurious as it sounds to spend all day in bed or on the couch it really isn't all that it is cracked up to be. Today is my third day of bed rest. At my appointment on Tuesday they measured my cervix and found that it had reduced from 3.4cm last Tuesday to 1.3cm. The amount of change is such a short period of time was cause for concern. Dr. K said that I was off work and on bed rest for the remainder of this pregnancy. Oh lordy. T. and I had talked about the possibility of long term bed rest after a week of bed rest following the insertion of my cerclage at 12w. Neither of us was thrilled with the idea but thought we would do what we had to. And here I find myself a little over 19w pregnant facing another 20 weeks in a horizontal position. Don't get me wrong, I will do whatever it takes to see that this little being inside of me has the best chance of being born full term, but the thought of another 4 1/2 months on my back or side is daunting. Last night I had my first p...

Friday was our first appointment with Dr. K for this pregnancy. My appointment was at 8am. I returned home at 11:30am. T. wasn't able to join me due to work obligations so he was freaking out when I finally did get in touch with him. PGAL does a lot to mess with one's mind and expectations. After an hour of filling out medical records and paperwork I finally had the opportunity for an ultrasound. Prior to the appointment I had been trying not to freak out telling myself that (other than history) I had no reason to worry about this LO. In the u/s room I hopped up on the table, pulled up my shirt, unbuttoned my pants and the OB resident, under the supervision of Dr. K began to do the u/s. She was a bit clumsy but I tried to be patient with her. She found the fetus quickly and LO was just chilling. I didn't see the heartbeat right away and I tried not to freak out. In real time it was probably about 2 seconds my in my mind it felt like a lifetime. They finally found the he...

My last appointment was on the 5th and I don't know when my next appointment is. I'm trying not to stress over this fact. After calling almost every day to check on the status of my medical records my peri finally called to say they finally received them from my gyno. Of course the doctor was out of the office yesterday and will be out of the office on Monday and he typically won't schedule an appointment until he reviews the charts. Luckily the medical assistant said she'd get one of the Nurse Practitioners to review the charts to try to get me an appointment. But as of today still no appointment and it has been almost 3 weeks since I saw a doctor.  I know to most people in most normal pregnancies waiting 3 or 4 weeks isn't a big deal but with my history I would like to be under a little closer watch! The nausea has lessened slightly which is helpful but I'm still struggling with the fatigue. On the plus side the pregnancy dreams have been very interesting!

Loss moms tend to experience a tremendous amount of guilt. When your baby dies with no official explanation as to what happened you constantly search for how you might've contributed to the situation. Was it something I ate? Something I did? Something I didn't do? It takes a while to accept that often things just are, and that's the best explanation we can hope for. One of my biggest moments of guilt isn't so much about what I could've done to save Sylvie but related to how I handled her loss. The day we lost her we went to L&D because we had made it to 21w so it was now a baby and not just a fetus. The nurses hooked me up to the monitor and Sylvie was doing great a strong heart beat and lots of swooshing sounds that indicated her movement.  The monitor was so loud and her movements were so loud that at one point I asked the nurses if they could turn down the monitor because the noise was distracting.  Little did I know that would be one of the last times I ...