Guilt.

Loss moms tend to experience a tremendous amount of guilt. When your baby dies with no official explanation as to what happened you constantly search for how you might've contributed to the situation. Was it something I ate? Something I did? Something I didn't do? It takes a while to accept that often things just are, and that's the best explanation we can hope for.

One of my biggest moments of guilt isn't so much about what I could've done to save Sylvie but related to how I handled her loss. The day we lost her we went to L&D because we had made it to 21w so it was now a baby and not just a fetus. The nurses hooked me up to the monitor and Sylvie was doing great a strong heart beat and lots of swooshing sounds that indicated her movement.  The monitor was so loud and her movements were so loud that at one point I asked the nurses if they could turn down the monitor because the noise was distracting.  Little did I know that would be one of the last times I would hear my vivacious daughter enjoying her little life in my tummy. I feel like such a bad mother for not enjoying and embracing that sound.  In some ways I wish T. had tape recorded her HB and swooshes but on the other hand I'm not sure I could ever listen to those sounds. (Wow. Pregnancy hormones are hitting hard today. Pass the tissues.) 

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